Zombieland TV pilot review

Tallahassee: Oh, I am this close to losing every last bit of my shit. 

Director: Eli Craig
(2013)

The original Zombieland (2009) was something of a surprise when I first watched it with some friends a few years back. At the time I expected a cheap cash in on the rising popularity of media that features the undead, but turned out to be a genuinely entertaining, funny film. While we all anticipate a sequel, Amazon have created a TV show Pilot following the films characters which has been airing around the net for free. Taking cues from Netflix, the internet superstore have produced 8 comedy pilots where viewers will get to vote on their favourite, with the most popular evolving into fully fledged shows, most likely for distribution through Amazon instant video and Lovefilm. While it’s almost a certainty that Zombieland is going to get green lit, this isn’t necessarily based on the quality of this first episode.

The most alarming aspect of Zombieland is how poor the plot is in this sometimes hilarious first outing. Following a disembodied voice on the other end of a radio, Columbus (Tyler Ross), Wichita (Maiara Walsh), Tallahassee (Kirk Ward) and Little Rock (Izabela Vidovic) search for survivors in a post-apocalyptic world, an act so tedious it almost incites boredom. If these names seem familiar to you, it’s because they are, as these are the same characters returning from the film. The major differentiation is that Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson and Abigail Breslin don’t reprise their roles, so these much loved characters are embodied with almost total unknowns. While the new meat does a decent job of things, it’s most unfortunate that Ward’s Tallahassee is nothing like how Harrelson portrays him in the film, the gunslinging badass has been reduced to a bumbling fool. It baffles the mind why writers Rhet Reese and Paul Wernick didn’t just create a new group to centre the show around instead of the recycling of old characters.

Looking beyond such absurdity is something of a challenge, but Reese and Wernick’s humour is solid stuff. Columbus’s awkward, rambling attitude causes cringe worthy comedy, while Tallahassee makes lines about killing the elderly with a fire poker oddly side-splitting. The rules to surviving Zombieland as well as the ‘zombie kill of the week’ are retained from the film, and while Columbus constantly droning on about his precious guidelines is grating, the zombie murdering antics could suit the episodic nature of the show exceedingly well.

While it makes for a largely inoffensive 30 minute watch, Zombieland TV is still plagued with a myriad of issues that really need to be ironed out when the first season goes into production. The CGI is poor, the narration is overbearing and the driving force behind the characters actions has no semblance of weight. The new cast have some gigantic boots to fill, with many fans of the film writing them off before they are given a chance to prove themselves. The internet’s love of zombies coupled with the disappearance of The Walking Dead until October all but guarantees Amazon will put their weight behind this project, the real question to ponder is if it’ll actually be worth watching?

The Descent Part 2 review

Director: Jon Harris
(2009)

As a general rule, I despise sequels. From a business perspective they’re absolute gold and in some cases are actually superior products to the first film, but said examples are few and far between. When you narrow this down to horror films, the genre that seems to crank out the most sequels- direct to DVD or otherwise-than any other, the chances of a follow-up to a decent film are almost microscopic. While we all wished that the Descent Part 2 was the series ‘Aliens’, it fails miserably, both as a standalone feature and as a lazy follow-up to a solid British horror.

The Descent Part 2 even manages to damage the quality of the original film by completely undermining the first films crowd pleasing ending. Instead of the climactic dream sequence of the preferred UK cut, Part 2 follows the generic US version, in which Sarah (Shauna McDonald) escapes the cave system and finds safety at a nearby road. She’s suffering from amnesia, although this serious medical condition doesn’t stop the local Sheriff Vaines (Gavan O'Herlihy) from forcing her to take a rescue party back into the caves to search for her friends.

 As purveyors of the first film know, Sarah is the lone survivor of the gruesome ordeal, although any potential drama or tension is dispersed by her loss of memory. Little makes sense in the 15 brief minutes set above ground, right down to the sloppy writing and weak acting. The use of amnesia reduces Sarah’s character to a one dimensional mute, a choice almost as baffling as doctors allowing her to leave mere days after the trauma she has endured. The first film spent plenty of time developing its characters, even if they were mostly fodder for the beasts that lurk in the darkness, but at least their deaths held some degree of impact. The descent (this time by elevator) down into the cave fails to mount the tension in any way, a failing that reverberates throughout the entire feature.

Once firmly underground, the contrived amnesia plot device is mercifully discarded and the attempts at fear begin. Only that exactly what they are, attempts. Every impactful shock of Marshals film are replicated here to a far lesser degree, Director Jon Harris simply can’t give the audience a frightening payoff when the films build-up has been so lax. Expect scenes involving night vision cameras, glowsticks, pools of liquid and rockslides to happen, lazy déjà vu of the strong moments that made the original film so nerve shattering and intense. Special mention should go to the utterly idiotic characters however, the ones who fire guns in tight spaces and handcuff themselves to another survivor to prevent them from running off, even as the group is hounded by the monstrous crawlers that call the cave home. The first film ruined the horror of its monsters by showing too much of them, diminishing their effectiveness. Harris is once again content on emulating, and even shows one of them dive-bombing into a pool of shit (yes really) to chase its prey.

And then Harris tries to hit you with a shocker ending in the same vein as the original that, for a brief few moments, actually works. The intriguing ambiguity is soon shattered though, as it dawns on you that the final scene makes no sense whatsoever. This is the final memory I have of this sloppy horror flick, one that sums up not only the disappointment of an unwarranted sequel, but also a needless twist bolted on to the end to replicate the far superior first film. This is simply a film worth avoiding, rewatch the first film instead and pray that they don’t make a third.

Marble Hornets Season 2 review: Episodes 27 to 42

!!!!!!SEASON 1 AND 2 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK THE LINK TO VIEW

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 16 Welcome to the Tombs

!!!!!!WARNING SEASON 2 AND 3 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK LINK TO VIEW

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 15: This Sorrowful Life

!!!!!!WARNING SEASON 3 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK THE LINK TO VIEW

The Walking Dead season 3 Episode 14: Prey

!!!!!!WARNING SEASON 3 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK THE LINK TO VIEW

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 13: Arrow on the Doorpost

!!!!!!WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK TO VIEW

Short review: Triangle

Director: Christopher Smith
(2009)

There are so many things to be said about Triangle, yet so little of it can actually be communicated. Triangle is a relatively unknown psychological thriller masquerading as a dumb horror. Unlike others in this subgenre, Triangle twists and turns not to set up a 3^rd act plot twist, but to develop its revelation that occurs in the 1^st act. 30 minutes in and things are looking grim, the cast is tiny in size and obtuse clues point towards our heroine Jess (Melissa George) being insane. An in a flash director Christopher Smith turns the film on its head, with the ocean liner our protagonists are stuck on becoming almost as intriguing as the Overlook Hotel. While its narrative complexity causes some convolution, Triangle is a very solid film, intent to cater to the more cerebral horror fans. A smart, satisfying film that deserves a lot more recognition.

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 12 review: Clear

!!!!!!WARNING SEASON 1 AND 3 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK THE LINK TO VIEW

The Grey review

Ottway: A job at the end of the world. A salaried killer for a big petroleum company. I don't know why I did half the things I've done, but I know this is where I belong, surrounded by my own. Ex-cons, fugitives, drifters, assholes. Men unfit for mankind. 

Director: Joe Carnahan
(2012)

Whatever you think you know about The Grey needs to be forgotten instantly. Despite what the trailers want you to believe, this isn’t a film about Liam Neeson being an unstoppable badass who has a penchant for punching wolves in the face; Taken set in the wilds of Alaska if you will. Director Joe Carnahan’s latest is nothing of the sort. Instead we’re served a survival film as much about man vs. environment as it is man vs. killer wolf. Make no mistake, The Grey isn’t particularly realistic, but is redeemed by some strong core components that make for an enjoyable final product.

What instantly scuppers any preconceptions of The Grey is the opening monologue from Neesons Ottway, a letter to a loved one who he is no longer with. This written poetry is backed up with some evocative shots of the unforgiving Alaskan landscape, as smoke gently rises out of chimneys into the pitch black sky. Ottway is a wolf hunter, employed to keep the other men- of which he describes as Ex-cons, fugitives, drifters and assholes – safe. Before a plane leaves to take everybody home, Ottway puts his rifle in his mouth, intent to pull the trigger. His distressing action is stopped by the cry of a wolf in the distance, the irony not immediately apparent. He chooses to board the plane, only for it to crash in the wilderness, forcing him and 6 other survivors to fend off against a pack of deadly wolves all while searching for rescue.

What helps keep The Grey fresh through its 2 hour running time is director Joe Carnahan’s ability to successfully straddle multiple genres. The plane crash and resulting aftermath are indicative of various survival films, as the oil workers battle the elements to rescue the injured and remain as warm as possible. Within 10 minutes it’s an action flick as Ottway gets mauled by the wolves in the surrounding area. By nightfall, things shift towards horror, the wolves eyes shimmer from the abyss of darkness that surrounds our protagonists. While the survival aspects aren’t realistic enough, the action too poorly shot and the horror relatively unfrightening, Carnahan gives just the right amount of development on each. The result is a film that's far greater than the sum of its parts.

While the characters won’t be remembered for their names, the film packs a strong punch around a campfire at the midway point, as our protagonists tell each other stories to quell the fear of an impending wolf attack. Carnahan makes us care, as these broken men talk about their families and children and their longing to see them again. Such a tender moment is shattered in my head and despite its opening monologue and survival aspects, The Grey eventually boils down to a horror film; I know these people won’t make it to the end. It’s a surreal emotion, films like this are usually populated by empty stereotypes, and the last time I yearned for the entire cast of a horror film to survive to the credits was James Cameron’s Aliens.

The intensity of the survivors descent into the barren tundra is proliferated by some sound technical work; a quality blend of CGI and practical effects. The wolves are an interesting blend of animation and puppetry, courtesy of The Walking Dead’s makeup maestro Greg Nicotero. While the CG isn’t much cop, it is well hidden by shadows and snowstorms, an attempt at the ‘less is more’ approach. The puppets and models work better, the threat feels more real to a much larger degree. What's even more impressive is the strong sound design that augments the wolves’ feral and dangerous nature. Why show your audience when you can force them to hear ravenous growls hiding under the cover of darkness?

For all its strengths, The Grey is bound to be remembered for its failings. In reality, wolves aren’t nowhere near as malicious as they're portrayed here, and the harshness of the wilderness would’ve killed the survivors in hours due to their inability to look after themselves. Some dodge this by stating the wolves are a metaphor and the environment represents purgatory, but these arguments are weak when compared to how much the film does get correct in these regards. It needs to be taken with a fairly large dosage of salt, but The Grey is a fine survival drama, with Neeson at his best since Batman Begins.

Short review: Tucker and Dale Vs Evil

Director: Eli Craig
(2011)

Despite being totally stupid, there’s something so gratifying about Tucker and Dale Vs Evil. Seemingly tired with modern horror films, Director Eli Craig has crafted a fine satire that spends its time poking fun at a genre that is conventional to the point of predictability. Tucker and Dale are 2 beer loving rednecks who buy a woodland cabin as a holiday home, only to be attacked by a group of ignorant college kids our duo rescue their beautiful friend (Katrina Bowden) from drowning. What makes the film so fresh is the change of perspective, we see through the eyes of the supposed ‘villains’; good, honest men who’re misunderstood by today’s idiotic youth. Soon the gore and humour flow freely, but the film is on a slow descent by the end of the first act, the runtime unfortunately outlasts the smart, fresh concept.

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 11: I Aint a Judas

!!!!!!WARNING SEASON 2 AND 3 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK THE LINK TO VIEW

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 10: Home

!!!!!!WARNING SEASON 3 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK LINK TO VIEW

The Descent review

Sam: Where are we? 
Juno: It hasn't got a name. It's a new system. I wanted us all to discover it! No one's ever been down here before. 

Director: Neil Marshall
(2005)

Neil Marshall’s 2005 horror The Descent possesses such a basic story, yet its simplicity doesn’t detract from the fear that it can produce. After witnessing the horrific past of protagonist Sarah (Shauna Macdonald), the film resumes with the arrival at a cabin in the Appalachian Mountains with an aerial helicopter shot that isn’t dissimilar to Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. Sarah meets with fellow friends (Juno, Beth, Rebecca, Sam and Holly) as they plan to go cave exploring to rebuild the bonds of the group after Sarah’s tragedy. Disaster strikes while inside the cave system, an event made considerably worse when Juno informs the girls that they're actually exploring an unmarked cave. Their venture into the unknown is amplified considerably when they discover that they are trapped 2 miles underground, and that they aren’t alone...

In its simplest form, The Descent closely follows a basic 3 act structure for most of its duration. The uneasy set up to the expedition is in place, a log cabin in the woods; complete with sheep’s skulls and the eerie nothingness that surrounds them. While this can be accurately labelled as the most mundane part of the film, the small details that crop up do an excellent job of building tension. A dead deer, a cave that's situated in the middle of nowhere and what appear to be claw marks hint at the women’s impending doom. It’s a shame that this slow build up of dread is offset by some gimmicky jump scares lazily crammed in seemingly only to fulfil the films cliché quota. Bad dreams, false scares and a flock of bats are the primary offenders here, simply director Neil Marshall trying to cater the modern horror audience.

Soon the real horror rears its head however, and The Descent becomes an uncomfortable and uneasy film, slowly twisting the screws as the metal whines and builds towards a breaking point. Our group force themselves through tiny tunnels, a claustrophobia made worse by the tight and imposing camerawork. Coupled with the caves extreme darkness, it’s enough to make anyone uneasy. What’s most striking about this third of the film is the surprisingly strong lighting work that's on display. The searching torches and cavern illuminating flares exude just the correct amount of brightness, enough for the image to be clear, but still allows this alien location to keep its secrets well hidden.

Cranking up the tension once more, Marshall throws a series of obstacles at his leads each of which becomes more and more stifling the longer the films runs. Chasms to navigate, exits to find and cave ins to avoid are the name of the game, making the environment itself a downright scary antagonist. And then comes the payoff as Sarah’s torch locates someone (or something) standing at the end of tunnel, furthering the predicament they find themselves stuck in. It’s unfortunately a small reveal, Marshall's choice to show us the silhouette of a creature drooling just minutes earlier strips our first true sighting of its menace. Soon the onslaught begins as the group is outnumbered against the attacks of these viscous cave dwelling monsters, known only as Crawlers.

Marshall instantly shifts the film up a notch, killing characters and breaking the group into 2. As much as this change of pace raises pulses, events begin to become mundane. The creatures are initially an enigma, attacking quickly from the shadows as Marshall grapples with keeping their as appearance ambiguous as possible. But soon they get more screentime that some of the human cast and the terror of their appearance is sternly diminished. What makes matters worse is how feeble these new antagonists are, easily dispatched with a swing from a pickaxe. Their malevolence is soon lost as the film draws to its audience dividing conclusion.

There's no mistake that the descent is a good horror film, capably blending tension with rewarding scares. But it feels like a film made in 2 distinct parts that causing the film to feel juxtaposed. It’s great to see an almost all female cast, many of whom are strong, if simplistic characters, but they bring the films latter stages down to that of a gory action film. Marshall's attempt to appeal to a broad spectrum of horror lovers is a choice that is unfortunately a detrimental one.

The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 9: The Suicide King

!!!!!!WARNING SEASON 3 SPOILERS!!!!!!

CLICK THE LINK TO VIEW

Marble Hornets review: Episode 12 to 26 season 1 conclusion

!!!!!Warning: Mild Season 1 Spoilers!!!!!

Concluding season 1, Marble Hornets has almost reinvented itself during the second half of its debut. Our protagonist and Youtube uploader Jay is embroiled into the actions of the enigmatic Operator more frequently, leading to plenty of twists and scares to go along the way. As far as being both entertaining and horrifying, Marble Hornets is astonishing.

What elevates this half of the season above the first is the stronger emphasis on story, which in turn solidifies the force of the horror. E13 shows us an odd recurring symbol, E14 shows the Operators violent side as Alex wakes up covered in blood while E17 highlights the effects that close proximity to the Operator has on people. What's wonderful is how many of these episodes seem normal for the majority of their running time, until at the last second you realise that our faceless antagonist has been lurking in the background the entire time.

As Jay gets drawn into the mystery, the tension is ratcheted up with fierce intensity. A foray into an abandoned house at night reeks of cliché, but what is shown inside these empty rooms was one of the most genuinely scary moments I've ever witnessed. Afterwards, things become more and more strange, Jays paranoia almost identical to Alex’s as he films himself sleep, an entry that provokes fear in the viewer just as much as it does in Jay. Various plot strands are thrown around towards the season’s conclusion, from coughing fits, pill bottles and creepy dolls that litter the floor.

Season 1 has a conclusion that’s equal parts weird and scary, adding to the hopelessness of the situation of our protagonist. Sometimes cheap jumps are used thanks to some distorted audio and erratic visual artefacts, but these are no match for the real fear that brews in every new entry. New characters are introduced well, something that has proved pivotal in keeping the season fresh. The element of supernatural has been given some much needed depth, and Jay and the others involved in Alex’s Marble Hornets project. Totheark, the man in the mask, the fearsome Operator himself, the development of these characters, and the answers we gather on them, will surely be absolutely enthralling. Marble Hornets is guerrilla filmmaking executed to a level of perfection.

The Shining review

Jack Torrance: Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. Gonna bash 'em right the fuck in! Hahaha!

Director: Stanley Kubrick
(1980)

Even though this is now my second viewing, I can’t say that I’ve grown particularly warm to Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. Sure, it possesses clean lines and stunning camerawork, a great performance from Jack Nicholson and at times is can be a very unsettling film. But like some of his other work (2001 namely) the shining is an acquired taste, a craving that I, as a Kubrick fan, haven’t yet developed.

Those that don’t know the story of the shining will know its infamous ‘heeeeerrreeeessss Johnny’ scene, were deranged family man Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) cleaves his way through a bathroom door with an axe. The story, like many horror films, is relatively straightforward, at least upon first glance. Jack and his family, wife Wendy (Shelley Duvall in an annoying role) and son Danny (Danny Lloyd) spend the winter at the Overlook hotel as Jack has landed a job as caretaker over the brutally cold months. Obviously, things start to go south, as the Overlook hotel is one very special type of haunted house.

What is most striking (to me at least) is the fabulous cinematography. From the gorgeous helicopter shots of the surrounding countryside to the sublime tracking shots throughout the hotels atmospheric corridors, the shining is a visually strong film. The aforementioned tracking shots are used excellently as we follow Danny riding his tricycle around corners. We follow him in such a manner when he reencounters the twins, 2 apparitions that roam the halls. He has an ability called ’the shining’ which lets him communicate with others, as well as see into the past. It’s integral to the story, and also reveals the depth and complexity that Kubrick has embedded into the film only perceivable through various visual clues and symbolism. It’s this that makes the shining such a confounding and well loved film.

Jacks typewriter refills its own paper, then changes colour, paintings on the wall rearrange and hang upside down, the position of doors change in seconds and giant food cans embellished with the face of an Indian appear and reappear in the storeroom. Is the film a metaphor of the slaughtering of the Native Americans? The hotel is after all; build on an Indian burial ground. What about Danny’s vision of the elevator spewing blood, is this a vision of the past, or the future? Theories about the meaning of this film are as sane or crazy as you could imagine, from faking the lunar landings to symbolism for the holocaust (the number 42 creeps up a lot, the year of the final solution). Are all of these continuity errors a sign of poor filmmaking, or is Kubrick reaffirming everyone's belief that he is, indeed, a genius of the highest calibre. The answer is surely hidden in The Shining; it’s just a shame that I haven't been able to find it. Those that have unravelled this conundrum will undoubtedly speak of The Shining in a high regard, whereas my love is a restrained one.

Short review: Night of the Living Dead

Director: George Romero
(1968)

Credited with helping redefine the horror genre as well as the term ‘zombie’, Night of the Living Dead is a horror film that harbours some strong themes and parallels. Following 7 survivors who hole up in an abandoned farmhouse when the dead rise from their graves, director George Romero does a solid job of maintaining an interesting pace for a film that largely takes place in one building. Unfortunately NOTLD hasn’t aged well, and flaws are abundant. Acting is wooden, the writing slack and the zombies and deaths are cheesy. Zombies wrestle with survivors in slow motion, seemingly more intent to hug them than harm them.  Characters have the tendency to trip over while being chased, fulfilling another predictable cliché. These banal events are somewhat redeemed by a strong ending, one that is far more engrossing that the rest of the film.

The walking dead Season 3 mid season finale Episode 8: Made to Suffer

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Warning, season 3 spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Click the link to reveal review.

Short review: Cube

Director: Vincenzo Natali
(1997)

Despite hating Vincenzo Natali’s Splice (2009), I was oddly drawn to his 1997 cult hit, Cube. It puts 6 random strangers into a maze of cubes; each of these strangers possesses a skill that is integral to aiding the groups escape. The characters themselves are almost caricatures, complete with little chemistry and poor performances from the entire cast. Yet this doesn’t detract from the film or the intrigue of the cube itself, its odd machinations and Kafkaesque mystery being one of the finest aspects of the film. The plot unfolds rapidly; each new room offers a new challenge that breaks the group’s conceptions of the maze, causing them to rethink how they will escape. Despite the limited environment (we never leave the cube throughout the 90 minute runtime), Cube constantly thrills; a monumental achievement considering it relies on its audience to gather their own conclusions