Short review: Cosmopolis

Director: David Cronenberg
(2012)

I’m going to be completely honest here, I’ve just finished watching Cosmopolis for the first time and I have no idea what just happened. A lot of films require the audience to meet the film half way in order to fully appreciate and enjoy the movie, but Cosmopolis simply isn’t that kind. It demands your undivided attention and a considerable amount of effort, Robert Pattison’s bizarre limo ride around Manhattan is a surreal and mystifying experience. Yet the film is still an absolute joy to watch, primarily due to the electrifying dialogue and breakneck pace set by some sublime editing. The little story we do get is a borderline commentary on money and capitalism, but this is easily overshadowed by Pattison’s excellent turn as a self-destructive multi billionaire. Its total lack of substance will bewilder the majority of audiences, but this is certainly a fresh cinematic experience.

Short review: Cave of Forgotten dreams

Director: Werner Herzog
(2011)

Considering the vast amount of critical acclaim he garners, my expectations for my first Werner Herzog documentary was reasonably high. Matching the supposed calibre of the director was the topic of the film, an examination of the oldest known cave drawings in the world.  While the cave itself-covered with calcium deposits and glorious paintings- is rather captivating, the rest of the doc isn’t. The beauty of the caves is soon abandoned for hideously dubbed scientists. Not that it matters as they mostly talk shit anyways, from one explaining how he searches for caves by smell (and how he’s president of a wine club?!) to another playing tunes on a replica flute. The film is stuffed with boring filler, right down to the 10 minute cave drawing montage we’ve already seen almost a dozen times. Should’ve been a 30 minute short instead of a full on film. Avoid.

Short review: Trance

Director: Danny Boyle
(2013)

In his 19 years of making films, Trance, Danny Boyles latest, is the first that could be considered a complete let down. The premise of the film seems relatively simple, a botched art heist puts a criminal (Vincent Cassel) the amnesiac, double crossing thief (James McAvoy) and his hypnotherapist (Rosario Dawson) on a trippy, mind bending venture in order to uncover the hidden location of the painting. While the film possesses decent cinematography and performances, the narrative is a complete shambles; a mess of plot arcs and dream sequences bog the film down from the get go. It leaves the audiences head spinning aimlessly, a far cry from other, smarter crime thrillers in recent years (Shutter Island, Inception). The story twists and turns itself into the ground, Boyle simply doesn’t want events to make any sense. A couple of revelations resonate, but the end product is relatively poor.

Short review: Alien 3

Director: David Fincher
(1992)

Even without prior knowledge, it’s easy to see that Alien 3 had suffered terribly during development. David Fincher’s directorial debut was unfairly ruined by an idiotic and interfering studio; the result is a weak link in a potentially brilliant trilogy. By killing off Newt and Hicks just minutes in, Alien 3 sours the taste in the mouth of fans of Aliens, and things don’t improve much from there. The writing and editing is all over the shop with a largely uninteresting plot and characters that disappear with no explanation. The film manages to be hideously boring at times too, rescued by some stellar art and set design that is amongst the series high points. Looking beyond the excitingly impractical climax, Alien 3 lacks the horror and suspense of the original film and the visceral gunplay of its sequel. The result? A total mess.

Short review: Searching for Sugarman

Director: Malik Bendjelloul
(2012)

From the gorgeous opening vistas of a South African coastline, Searching for Sugarman sets itself up to be a very special kind of documentary. Its sublime blend of animation, perfect cinematography and ‘8mm’ footage bestow such a riveting visual display for a film of its genre. Its brilliance reaches beyond its aesthetic with the engrossing story of Rodriguez; the phenomenal 1970’s singer who disappeared after his album flopped stateside. It charts his apparent suicide to his popularity in South Africa where his songs became a cultural phenomenon. And in the final third, Searching for Sugarman falls apart. The filmmakers interview Rodriguez’ friends and bosses in the present day, building up to finding the fabled singer, only to reveal they found him 13 years prior, when he toured South Africa, throwing the entire film out of context. A stunning story wrecked by manipulative and deceitful design.

Wallace and Gromit: The Wrong Trousers review

Director: Nick Park
(1993)

There's only very little that needs to be said about Nick Parks Wallace and Gromit the Wrong Trousers, a short stop motion animation that's The Godfather of its genre. After renting out the spare room to an ambiguously sinister penguin, Gromit’s Techno Trousers are integral in the heist of a diamond by the malevolent bird. From start to finish Parks magnum opus is crammed with pitch perfect humour, genius gags and an astute sense of britishness. The low fi charm of Claymation is delightful that enhances every scene with such detail and ingenuity putting everything else similar to shame. And then there’s that climax, a chase on a miniature train track around Wallace’s home as Gromit lays down additional track as the locomotive barrels forward at an alarming and exhilarating rate. Quite possibly one of the greatest moments in the history of film, animation or otherwise.  A true masterpiece.

Short review: Arachnoquake

Director: Griff Furst
(2012)

Even for a SyFy original movie, my standards were still monumentally low for Arachnoquake, a film even more stupid than it sounds. Set in New Orleans, It follows a bunch of bad characters played by talentless actors as the city suffers earthquakes that set loose a load of giant, fire breathing spiders. From here it’s an onslaught of poor acting, beyond terrible CGI, dozens of continuity errors and just plain awful filmmaking. The film lacks any form of logic, I mean, why go to a drug store to get an inhaler when you can use scuba gear instead? Soldier’s fire unloaded guns, baseball players hit spiders like a homerun (complete with cartoon sound effects) and everyone trips over logs that aren’t actually there, you know, for suspense. It’s laughably bad at best, and downright atrocious for the majority of the film. Avoid like a giant, fire breathing spider.

Short review: The imposter

Director: Bart Layton
(2012)

The Imposter is a documentary for those who don’t like documentaries, thanks to its excellent use of recreated scenes. The Imposter tells the story of Nicholas, a 13 year old boy who goes missing in 1993. He’s found 4 years later in Spain, complete with a different accent and a change in eye colour. Using interviews from the family of the victim and the FBI, director Bart Layton creates a truly memorable insight into the lives of those affected. Early on the film establishes that Nicholas has indeed been impersonated, and the culprit acts as our narrator as events head down a dark road. The film never feeds its audience one explanation, but offers conflicting viewpoints on who is actually telling the truth. Its lack of conclusive answers leaves a slightly sour aftertaste, but this merely reflects the reality of such an extraordinary situation.

Short review: Triangle

Director: Christopher Smith
(2009)

There are so many things to be said about Triangle, yet so little of it can actually be communicated. Triangle is a relatively unknown psychological thriller masquerading as a dumb horror. Unlike others in this subgenre, Triangle twists and turns not to set up a 3^rd act plot twist, but to develop its revelation that occurs in the 1^st act. 30 minutes in and things are looking grim, the cast is tiny in size and obtuse clues point towards our heroine Jess (Melissa George) being insane. An in a flash director Christopher Smith turns the film on its head, with the ocean liner our protagonists are stuck on becoming almost as intriguing as the Overlook Hotel. While its narrative complexity causes some convolution, Triangle is a very solid film, intent to cater to the more cerebral horror fans. A smart, satisfying film that deserves a lot more recognition.

Short review: Tucker and Dale Vs Evil

Director: Eli Craig
(2011)

Despite being totally stupid, there’s something so gratifying about Tucker and Dale Vs Evil. Seemingly tired with modern horror films, Director Eli Craig has crafted a fine satire that spends its time poking fun at a genre that is conventional to the point of predictability. Tucker and Dale are 2 beer loving rednecks who buy a woodland cabin as a holiday home, only to be attacked by a group of ignorant college kids our duo rescue their beautiful friend (Katrina Bowden) from drowning. What makes the film so fresh is the change of perspective, we see through the eyes of the supposed ‘villains’; good, honest men who’re misunderstood by today’s idiotic youth. Soon the gore and humour flow freely, but the film is on a slow descent by the end of the first act, the runtime unfortunately outlasts the smart, fresh concept.

Short review: Big Fat Gypsy Gangster

Director: Ricky Grover
(2011)

I'm still not quite sure what inspired me to watch a film called Big Fat Gypsy Gangster. I think I was hoping to watch a film so bad its good, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. A sort of mockumentary, an American film crew follows a recently released British gangster called Bulla. The film initially focuses on his attempt to regain his empire, but loses focus and goes on about mystics and dwarf fighting arenas. The acting is weak despite some decent names, destroyed by a dire script that's light on actual laughs. After a funny opening 5 minutes, the film resorts to cock gags and racial profiling, both of which aren’t funny in the slightest. It even fails as a mockumentary, ignoring its genres rules: it’s not even shot correctly. From directing to editing, Big Fat Gypsy Gangster is an abysmal film.

Short review: Keith Lemon: The Film

Director: Paul Angunawela
(2012)

Every year there is a film that’s sole existence is to exploit money out of its fan base. Keith Lemon: The Film does exactly that. Following the crude Celebrity Juice host on an adventure from Leeds to London, Paul Angunawela only intent is to pad the abysmal storyline is with disgusting and often incredibly unfunny gags. So if semen, cock and shit jokes are your thing, every scene will cater to your tasteless needs. When putrid remarks aren’t spewing from Keith’s (Leigh Francis) mouth, synonyms for the word cock are, the icing on a horrendously bad script. The nonsensical plot is padded out with C list celebrity cameos, from washed up pop stars to the lovely yet talentless Kelly Brook. One funny moment about Rambo aside, Keith Lemon: The Movie is so offensive, cliché, humourless and mundane that it becomes a painful experience.

Short review: Safe

Director: Boaz Yakin
(2012)

Writer/director Boaz Yakin brings us Safe, yet another generic action flick starring Jason Statham. He’s a homeless ex cop whose life gains purpose after he saves 11 year old genius Mei, whose memory holds a very important code to a money filled vault. The story here is childishly basic, yet Yakin convolutes events to give the appearance of depth and intricacy. Regardless, the Chinese, Russians and corrupt NYPD officers battle it out for the code that Mei possesses. It’s very cliché, acting almost as filler until we stumble onto the next action sequence, of which there is a plentiful supply. Some of these are practically shot and interesting, the Russian kidnapping scene for example. Yet the majority descend into sharp edits and trite camerawork, both of which render the action incomprehensible. The climactic shootout is erratic yet immensely dull, summing up the entire film rather neatly.

Short review: Misery

Director: Rob Reiner
(1990)

It’s unfortunate to remark that 1990 thriller Misery is less than the sum of its parts. James Caan, Kathy Bates, directed by Rob Reiner and based on a Stephen King novel; it has the makings of a classic. Yet these components are functional rather than sensational, leaving Misery feeling slightly undercooked. Famed novelist Paul Shelton (Caan) has a car crash only to be thankfully rescued by his “number 1 fan” Annie Wilks (Bates). His injuries leave him bed ridden as Annie’s crazy obsession with him bubbles to the surface. Bates does a good job as this distressingly creepy crazed fan, although she often overdoes key moments with a little too much lunacy. This is a contrast to Caan; giving a performance so phoned in that he’s almost catatonic at times. The film is certainly disturbing; although its concept isn’t suited to the films stretched running time.

Short review: Pineapple Express

Director: David Gordon Green
(2008)

From producer Judd Apatow comes yet another dull comedy aimed solely at teens who want to do soft drugs and laugh at penis jokes. Seth Rogen is our stoner in question, mistaken for a hitman and chased by corrupt cops and his drug dealers (James Franco) supplier. That’s as deep as the film gets as director David Gordon Green pads the film with unfunny jokes and a vast amount of time dedicated to smoking pot. Though some are solid; helped tremendously by some sharp delivery by Rogen and Franco. An action packed climax covers its grim brutality with some fun slapstick brawling, but this is another perfect case of too little, too late. The rest of the film is forgettable fluff, as boring as it is unfunny. There's no need for it to be 108 minutes long, its concept burns out after the first half.

Short review: The Simpsons Movie

Director: David Silverman
(2007)

The Simpsons Movie simply doesn’t have the right to be this good. Constant rewrites and the weight of expectation should have buried it under a landslide of disappointment. Yet this feature length episode does what we've come to expect from the series. After Homer poisons Lake Springfield, the government enclose the town in a giant dome causing the famous family to go on the run. While the plot is mediocre, the humour is the true core of the film; perfectly blending smart jokes with postmodern nudges. The snide jabs at the government mostly fall flat however, often causing the laughs to dry up. While The Simpsons boasts a wonderful cast of side characters, very few are utilised beyond the odd joke, a severe waste of potential. The tiny 75 minute running time damages the film too, making this an accurate example of quality over quantity.

Short review: John Carter

Director: Andrew Stanton
(2012)

In retrospect, it’s easy to see where Andrew Stanton’s John Carter went wrong. The budget was huge, the trailers drab and the name was totally unappealing. Yet even after the box office dust (or lack of) has settled, it’s become even more apparent that it’s simply a subpar film. Our titular hero John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) gets teleported to mars from civil war America and gets caught up in a Martian conflict while he tries to get back to earth. Despite a colossal budget and John’s ability to jump higher and throw farther (due to the different atmosphere) the action scenes are sorely lacking in both quality and quantity. Warships explode and soldiers die, but it’s all so very dull. The bloated running time, poor story, mediocre performances and special effects put the nails in the coffin of this underwhelming, muddled mess.

4

Short review: Scary Movie 2

Director: Keenan Ivory Wayans
(2001)

After the inconsistent, yet funny and occasionally clever Scary Movie, a sequel seemed like it should deliver more of the same. Its most disappointing that Shawn and Marlon Wayans (amongst 9 other writing credits) have given us a dire follow up, offering no intelligence and very little comedy making for a simply terrible film. It follows its predecessor’s formula, almost with the intention of screwing it into the dirt with constant toilet humour is and terrible jokes. The film The Haunting is the framework here, an inferior choice to Scary movie 1’s use of smart slasher Scream. Plenty of other films get treatment from the Wayans brothers, ranging from Charlie’s Angels to the butchering of Dirty Harry’s famous speech; the material feels contrasting with the horror based core of the film. Oh, shit jokes aren’t, and never will be considered good comedy. Avoid.

Short review: Scary movie

Director: Keenan Ivory Wayans
(2000)

Aping Wes Cravens Scream (1997) to the point where it might as well be a remake, this Keenan Ivory Wayans helmed spoof is just as funny as it is stupid. Opening with Carmen Electra’s demise at the hands of a ghost faced killer, our group of teenage stereotypes bring slick gags referencing I Know What You Did Last Summer to weak humour involving fat girls and garage doors, Wayans lathers on his ‘comedy’ and intertextual references by the bucket load. When it works, it’s hilarious, but some shoddy attempts at being postmodern are painful to watch. The film hits a serious low in the second third, eschewing its satirical edge for dick and semen gags, a feeble attempt to emulate American Pie, it seems. Bonus marks for the reveal though, a clever take on Screams smart reveal. Shame about the toilet humour though.

Short review: Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Director: Tim Burton
(2010)

From the kooky Tim Burton comes another take on the famous and beloved Book by Lewis Carroll. Yet despite his trademark artistic style, Alice in Wonderland lacks the enjoyment that has been so prevalent in his other works. The moment Alice (Mia Wasikowska) plunges into Wonderland an abundance of CGI takes over, making the entire film seem hollow and fake. This onslaught of visuals is constant, leaving Wasikowska and co to do their best acting with a green wall. What's worse is the film totally lacks any bite, dilemmas are resolved within minutes causing Alice’s trek through this alien world seem banal. Depp and Bonham Carter are lacklustre, with only Hathaway giving anything close to a solid performance. Throughout Alice says she wants to wake up form this dream, and for most of the 108 minutes I really wish she would.